Auld Lang Syne

Auld Lang Syne.

Written in 2019.

dear, myself
this year was a lot.

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1: THE GREATEST PARADOX.

I started the year with a walk on the seashore, waiting for the sun to rise, alone on the east coast of Devata. That was when I realised that I’d been tedious, filling my soul with abstract idealism and belief(s). That was when I’d not been aware that the desolation was waiting inside me to grow, to shout, to scream. That the emptiness was waiting to eventually ignite and then known to became worst time of the year.

“I love sunrise better than sunset. And the dawn, better than the dusk,” I said. It’s like a painting of a new hope.

and like every day
will turn
into the night,
when in the dark
we’ll fight a way
to see the light.

I was so naive to persist that idea, with no awareness of it’s consequences. I was afraid to acknowledge the fact that sometimes, happy endings are stories that haven’t ended yet. I couldn’t see the fact that the element of surprise when you’re in the light is the darkness. And our mind was manipulated to believe that everything would always gonna be okay, while the truth is, that it is okay for not being okay. 

2: BLACKMAILED BY DELUSION AND BURIED DOWN UNDER THE FACT THAT’S REAL.

This year, I made deals with the devils.

I wasted so many hours to let myself down in bad circumstances. I wasted so many hours to let myself deceived by meaningless commitments. And I wasted so many hours to listen, not to be listened.

I made a deal with unappreciative and twisted attitude and personality. Pointless efforts, and vain struggle.

I wrote earlier this year, that I let myself believe in lies. And those lies are nothing but an empty seat that’s reserved by the truth, but it never comes. A fake acceptance that’s communicated less in between. So yes, I went through the worst ride of my entire love life. That was quite a period of time that I thought I could not endure, but I proved it really wrong.

But as I knew what’s gone wrong, I knew that I was trapped. That I was impaled by those handful of rose’s thorns wrapped in a cheap bouquet.

This year I finally did some talkings. Big time, with my dad. As the old man said one day, “the most fundamental thing yet the hardest one in this life, is the capability of making a big decision.” and all the evaluation constantly dragged me back to the starting line: my own decision.

And I am sure, this is one of a hell we’d been going through this year. It’s leading to self-blaming. Bad decisions in every bad situation. I, We, were so afraid of getting into that scene again, when our big decision was needed. When our decision was the only thing mattered. When our decision was the definition of the time to come.

But honey, please believe me,

nobody has the ability to fully appraise
whether something is worth fighting for,
or not.
It is our choice,
to look back and regret
or to enjoy the ride.

3: LOVE, EGO, AND CALCULATION FORM A FLAWLESS CIRCLE. NOT A BROKEN TRIANGLE.

By looking at the darkest side of a comedy, at the kindest part of a drama-queen, and at the deepest meaning of a story, I learned so many things from where I’ve never imagined.

Look at how Ross Geller hid his feeling over the years and rolled the day, everyday with it. Like nothing happened. The way Monica ended up with the most unexpected person at the most unexpected event. Chandler’s innocence and his tireless effort for his wife. The way Rachel gave up her dream, got off the plane, just to fell in love with the person she’s annoyed by, the most.

Look at how Ted Mosby’s journey to finally meet the mother of his child. The way Ted held on, for years, to a belief that he’d end up with her. The way he made a two-minute date at the lunch break with Stella Zienman. Passion. How beautiful the proposal of Barney Stinson to his wife, yet still, they eventually got divorced. Have you seen The Perfect Date? Really, I’m in love with Celia Lieberman. I never thought I actually need that movie.

When people see it as movies, I see love and struggles. Ego and patience. Calculation and efforts. You see perfection? I see a new hope. A beginning and a fresh start.

And the scene from Marriage Story when Nicole knew what food Charlie was going to order? How Charlie really loved being a dad? The scene when Henry read the letter from Nicole and Charlie cried?

Sometimes how big the love is, it still won’t be enough. There’s ego to ruin on the way. And without the calculation about our own capability, we’ll be drowned, dragged miles away off the shore of reality. And never, ever, ever, make someone stay through the worst while you’re leaving because it’s no longer convenient for you.

And I learned that love is not vertically found. It is not some higher and higher levels you have to achieve. Love is equally, horizontally found. It is an imaginary point in the middle of a thin line between the worst and the most ideal person.

And the funny thing is, love is not demanding big compensation, and love is not demanding perfection. Love only need to feel enough.

4. EFFORTLESSLY, BEAUTIFUL.

These 365 pages are coming to an end. and every single page has a particular meaning. This year is a heavenly hell of everything, and there’s nothing in between.

This year, I finally found the meaning of a support. A little circle of lovely people. We came from a different problems, with the same attitude for a solution. We crawled from different opinions, to one complex beautiful system. We rise from our beliefs, to a world where we live on. and it’s all in the value.

This year gave it’s enormous obstacles yet it’s biggest blessing to us. Half of us were getting our MD(s) title this year. Some of it, pulled off their graduation. Two of them are married this year. And for me, the decade ends with I finally checked a box of one of my dreams: becoming a doctor.

At this very moment, let’s take some time to apologize to ourselves for all hardships and sufferings they had been through.

“The revolution in your head won't happen without suffering,

until you finally learn the simple truth that pain is inevitable and suffering is optional.”

And this is me writing to talk; to myself. To this beautiful soul who never leaves, even when the most chaotic event on earth is happening.

Thank you, for everything.

The revolution in your head won’t happen without suffering,

until you finally learn the simple truth that pain is inevitable and suffering is optional.

Happy New Year,

My darling.

Argia W. Sriyanto, dr.